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Faith
and Values
Barnie
Day offers some friendly advice to the Rev. Jerry
Falwell on how to staff his Faith and Values
Coalition.
TO:
Rev. Jerry Falwell
FROM:
B. Day
I’ve
been mulling over your proposed "Faith and
Values Coalition" and think it is just the
thing to help us forget war and poverty and
unemployment and lack of health insurance and
two-dollar-a-gallon gasoline, and such.
It’s just what the country needs: another
smokescreen.
If
you want to register 10 million Republican voters,
"Faith and Values" is okay, but for it to
take real "holt"—as we say out here in
the western part of the state—you’re going to
need a catchier name.
Jim
and Tammy had PTL (Pass The Loot) and your buddy
Pat’s got the "700 Club."
So we’re going to have to come up with
something else. And I’ve got it!
"Rev-J’s
105,000!"
I’m
telling you, Rev, this one will lay ‘Moral
Majority’ in the shade.
This one will become iconic.
And it came to me in an inspiration!
No foolin’!
All
I did was Google the words "indicted
Republican." Got 105,000 hits on it.
The good Lord does work in mysterious ways,
doesn’t He?
You’ll
have to appoint a board of directors.
But you don’t have to that all by yourself!
Don’t you see?
I’m helping!
I’ve been working on this part, too!
No,
Jim and Tammy can’t be on the board.
We’ll put them in charge of reservations.
And maybe accounting.
And no, Jimmy Swaggert’s got talent that
would be wasted on the board.
He can run the procurement arm of the
operation. And, no, not Rush Limbaugh.
But he’ll be perfect for the faith and
values prescription drug program.
I’m
thinking more of folks like Ollie North for the
board. All he
did was hold his hand up to God and swear a lie to
Congress.
And
Newt Gingrich would be a good one on any faith and
values board. His
extramarital involvement with that congressional
aide may have cost him the Speakership, but that’s
the kind of faith and values leadership we want and
this country needs.
Same
with Republican Bob Livingston, who followed him to
the Speaker’s chair—and out the same door—for
nearly the same reason.
And
how ‘bout former Republican Congressman Bob Barr,
from
Georgia
? Let’s see. What
was it? I
remember now. Infidelity
and lying under oath about an abortion.
Your buddy Larry Flynt outed him.
He’d be perfect.
And
how about Jack Ryan, the Illinois Republican who
dropped out of the Senate race after his ex-wife
made such a stink out of that sex club thing?
He’d be good.
He likes performing in public.
And
think about Republican Senate Majority Leader
Tom
Delay. He
might not quite measure up.
He hasn’t been indicted himself, but three
of his tops aides were.
Just recently, too.
And
let’s not forget the homegrown, local talent. Virginia’s a regular Republican garden in that regard.
Vance Wilkins would be a lock for any "faith
and values" board.
He’s got time to do it, too.
And former Virginia Republican Party Chairman
Gary Thompson’s got some time on his hands.
I’d say he’d be good.
And he’s got the right credentials: He’s
been indicted. And
I would recommend Ed
Matricardi, the former executive director of the
Republican Party of Virginia.
He
was indicted, too,
which makes him eminently qualified for the board.
But might I suggest that, with his demonstrated
skills as a good listener, he might more usefully
serve as Council spokesman?
Rev,
I think you’re on to something.
Rounding up ten million folks for your faith
and values outfit will take some doing, but hey!
You’ve got your base!
It’s ready made!
Indicted Republicans!
Who could possibly know more about another
"faith and values" scam that the folks who
wrote the book on it?
-- November 29, 2004
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