Outing Groveton


ellow Baconauts.

Ever wonder who Groveton really is? Since he has become a regular blogger here, I have taken up the science of Grovetonology where I ceaselessly search for identifying clues. But his true identity remains a closely-held mystery.

My threshold understanding is the following: Groveton is a guy who is some kind of executive with an IT firm. He jets from Auckland and Amsterdam every week from his home somewhere in Northern Virginia. He says he named himself after a high school somewhere near Manassas. To make us sense he’s a regular guy — one you might not mind having a beer with in an airport lounge — he titillates with wistful comments that he’d really like to partake of foreign fleshpots.

I asked the Big Bacon one day if he could provide any hints as to Groveton’s identity. What does he look like, for instance? Jim said: “Well, he’s a middle aged guy, kind of stocky, beefy, ex-football player type.”

I chewed on this for a while and then realized it was TBB (Total Bacon Bullshit) designed to throw me off the scent. I mean, he’s clearly a hard conservative. If you broke into the basements of both Bacon’s and Groveton’s homes you’d probably find a high speed telex spitting out daily orders from Cato Central. It wouldn’t surprise me in the least if the disinformation campaign ran really deep.

I have come up with some other possibilities I’d like to share with you:
  • Groveton is really a skinny nerd with a huge subscription list to hard right magazines and blogs and has ‘fair and balanced” Fox News switched on 24/7.
  • Grovetown isn’t a guy at all, but a woman posing as a guy.
  • Grovetown is really an amalgam of several people. Risse uses this tactic all the time. The “real” Risse identifies himself as “EMR.” That’s simple enough, but he often comments using other names. This is another plot to make us think we are hearing several independent voices. In reality, Risse is a 1950’s style, Kerouac-like subversive who wants to pollute our thought patterns with an enormously complicated vocabulary that he has invented. My advice: Don’t let him inside your head.

Anyway, the Big Bacon has promised to reveal Groveton’s real identity soon. It is now supposedly a secret because Groveton’s employer might be upset that he’s blogging. But that could be TBB, too.

Peter Galuszka (aka “Mr. Gooze”)

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9 responses to “Outing Groveton”

  1. Note that you have never seen both Jim Bacon and me together at the same time.

    Nor have you seen me and Newt Gingrich together at the same time.

    Actually, you've never seen me with anybody … not even Nancy Pelosi.

    So … you never know.

    Only one thing for sure. I am not now, nor have I ever been … LarryG.

  2. "not Larry G"

    thank GAWD!

    I think the man fancies himself as an independent but just keeps falling to the right…. or should I say… falls for the clever right-wing narratives….

    but the man is capable of complete thoughts so there is hope yet…

  3. so… who is going to blog about McDonnell's budget message?

    Lots of meaty things to discuss…. transportation, state pension, infrastructure banks, funding constraints on VCU, etc.

  4. Anonymous Avatar

    You are all wrong. I have met the real Groveton. As I recall, he is a former professional volleyball player from New Zealand, who is now banned from that nation for reasons I do not know. So going to Australia is as close to New Zealand has he can get.

    He goes to Amsterdam because he is doing Amstel light commercials. Remember the guy kicking a soccer ball while swinging on a lamp post. I think that is Groveton from an examination of his right forearm. The TV actor appears to have the same tattoo of "Telegraph Road Forever" as I saw on the real Groveton's right forearm. (But then again, there may be many people who have "Telegraph Road Forever" tattooed to their right forearms.

    While this might have changed, when I met Groveton, he had a blue Mohawk just like Rick Yemm from IRT Deadliest Roads.

    Groveton does appear to have an IT background, as he claimed to have designed COBOL and lightwave multiplexing. He told me that he didn't think Al Gore invented the Internet.

    Unless he is really good with makeup, he is really a he. Groveton has a larger-than-life Adams Apple. He hinted that it was magic and could generate wind energy. I didn't follow up with that one.

    I'm not totally sure where Groveton works or just what he does. I do have it narrowed down to" 1) a diesel mechanic for Fairfax County Public Schools; 2) a cyber-terror expert at the CIA; 3) a pilot for Aeroflot; 4) an actor who sometimes appears in commercials; or 5) the reincarnation of the late Virginia Governor William "Extra Billy" Smith.

    He has a lot of kids, but that is to be expected because he says he has four wives, which also has something to do with Governor Smith. Groveton lives either in a $4 million tree house in the Great Falls area or in a $500 million submarine in the Potomac River.

    Aren't you glad I cleared this up?


  5. TMT – you specifically promised not to disclose that information … especially the part about my submarine. I wouldn't be getting on that houseboat of yours anytime soon – if you get my drift.

  6. I believe there have been some editorials recently advocating the same and our "local" paper the Free Lance Star just instituted a change to the way that commenting is allowed – they required EVERYONE to get FACEBOOK accounts.

    Now.. if you are worried about Twitter you should be terrified of FB in terms of privacy.

    The default privacy settings on FB are akin to you standing out on a street corner wearing a placard with your life history on it.

    Of course the erstwhile FLS did not understand that those who want to remain anonymous can do so on FB if they plan ahead and know how to lock it down.

    Even more interesting to me was that once they converted to the FB method – that we started to see some real people using their real names posting some really questionable stuff – as J Tyler indicated – sounding like the stuff of high school locker room utterances….

    so be careful what you wish for… just requiring the use of a real name will not protect you from anal banality or other variants.

  7. James A. Bacon Avatar
    James A. Bacon

    I will ask Groveton when he will consent to the official unveiling of his identity. The big day should not be far off.

  8. Anonymous Avatar


    My kids gave me depth charge equipment for my last birthday! But I still don't have the necessary permits from Maryland to use the equipment. The feds authorized its use a long time ago.


  9. Risse is a 1950's style, Kerouac-like subversive who wants to pollute our thought patterns with an enormously complicated vocabulary that he has invented. My advice: Don't let him inside your head.


    Unfortunately, his line of thinking seems to be pervasive and subversive. There is plenty of thinking and publishing along the lines that he promotes.

    Keeping them out of my head isn;t a problem, I've got a reasonably good nonsense filter. What I worry about is keeping such "thinkers" out of my pocket. that, I have not succeeded at, yet.

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