Nichol Bound for Duke?

My old friend Veritatus has submitted another satire in the form of a news story from Durham, N.C.

Nichol to be Recruited by Duke’s Group of 88

Durham, NC—In the wake of the dismissal of rape charges against three former Duke University lacrosse players, Duke’s Group of 88 professors are regrouping to continue their struggle against racism, mysogyny and privilege. Their plans include recruiting College of William and Mary President Gene R. Nichol, who would resign his position in Williamsburg, Va., and join the Duke faculty as Dean of Inconsequential and Politically Correct Studies.

The fact that Attorney General Roy Cooper after three months of investigation could find no evidence of wrong-doing on the part of the former players, leaves the Group undaunted and reenergized to take up their cause to spread their brand of mindless political correctness to every corner of the Duke campus. Their success to date in cowing the Duke administration and board has given them a taste of victory and capitalist blood.

Soon after allegations of rape and other crimes surfaced in the spring of 2006, 88 members of the faculty and 16 Duke departments and programs denounced the lacrosse players in a public statement asserting that something “happened” to the accuser. The Group committed themselves to “turning up the volume” and thanked the campus protesters who branded the players “rapists” while distributing “wanted” posters around campus. The Group promised that their crusade “won’t end with what the police or the courts say.”

“Gene Nichol will be a perfect 89th member of our group,” confirmed Professor of Empathy Studies Y.R. Feelings. He’s got it all in one package. Feelings went on to identify some of Nichol’s major accomplishments while at the helm of William and Mary. These include:

1) A campus-wide email condemning the cowardice of those who had released into the public domain the name of a woman who had accused a male student of rape. The male student whose name was prominently featured in the media was bounced out of William and Mary. Later the county prosecutor dropped all charges.

2) A running media battle over the failure of the local voter registrar to allow students from other states to register to vote in Williamsburg, VA, home of William and Mary. Apparently the misguided registrar thought that students, in order to register, should declare full Virginia citizenship by paying Virginia state and local taxes and registering their cars in Virginia. The flap died down when it became clear that these new Virginia residents would be entitled to in-state tuition and thereby seriously deplete the William and Mary revenue budget.

3) Removal of the cross from the almost 300-year-old campus chapel in a move to be more sympathetic to persons of other faiths who might be offended by the chapel’s cross. Voices raised in protest largely went unheard by Nichol though the cross will now be displayed in a glass case as an inconvenient relic.

“If we get Nichol, this will be a twofer,” stated B.E. Stronger Duke Professor of Self-Esteem Studies. “This guy Nichol is the grand guru of political correctness, and he’s a china shop bull who can be counted on to create controversy where there is none.”

The Group also is counting on Nichol to deal with the considerable embarrassment of the Duke Chapel, possibly converting it to an indoor practice field for lacrosse.

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2 responses to “Nichol Bound for Duke?”

  1. Jim Bacon Avatar
    Jim Bacon

    Veritatus has forwarded a copy of the e-mail that President Nichol distributed to William & Mary students and staff during the rape controversy mentioned in the original post:

    Students, Faculty and Staff of the College of William & Mary:

    This morning I learned, as perhaps did some of you, that a flier had been posted at various places across campus accusing one of our students, by name, of filing false charges of sexual assault. The flier was anonymous. It was cowardly — posted secretly, one supposes, by night. It was designed to injure. It may well have that effect. It was designed to intimidate. It may do that as well. It is unworthy of any member of the College community. It wounds our fabric. And it leaves me outraged.

    As I explained at the close of the fall semester, we face real challenges concerning rape, sexual assault, and other immensely destructive and irresponsible behaviors. We intend to address them openly, without flinching. Our conversations will demand candor and respect. On Monday,
    Vice-President Sadler and I will outline a series of steps we’ll initiate in the weeks ahead seeking your cooperation and your leadership. Gutless handbills will be no part of the program.

    I have learned first hand — emotionally as well as intellectually — the character of William & Mary students. The possibility of playing even a
    small role in assisting your efforts to make a mark in this life is beyond ennobling. I have also seen, in recent months, that students can make decisions that threaten to destroy their futures and cause irreparable injury to others – including, of course, others whom they love. These
    transgressions demean us all. We cannot allow them to mar and define our community.

    I regret the necessity for such a message on the first day of your return. I’m glad youre back. We have work to do in the days ahead.

  2. Anonymous Avatar

    As Henny Youngman used to say: “Take my President…. please!”

    and the sooner the better.

    signed – a distressed W&M alum

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