Fairfax County bans Christian immigrants

Fairfax, VA – The Fairfax County Board of Supervisors (BoS), in a raucous meeting last night,  voted 7 – 1 to ban any more Christian immigrants from entering Fairfax County.  The board cited a “clear and compelling danger” posed by Christians importing deadly rattlesnakes into the county.  The few stunned onlookers who could gather their thoughts enough to speak expressed skepticism over the both the legality and practicality of a county board banning immigration into a county based on religion.  However, seven of the eight board members were adamant that the board had the legal, moral and God-given right to protect the citizens of Fairfax County against the scourge of Christian rattlesnakes.

In a post-vote news conference, Board Chairman Nod Pmurt explained the reasoning behind the ban.  “It has come to our attention that some Christian sects have taken to collecting and handling rattlesnakes as part of their religious observance.  Fairfax County is a rattlesnake-free county and we can’t have Christians collecting rattlesnakes and bringing them into Fairfax County.”  Chairman Pmurt went on to say that he saw an expose on the Christian ritual of collecting and handling rattlesnakes on a 60 Minutes rerun so he knew it must be true.  Researchers at The Radish have located the 60 Minutes piece in question. (See video above.)

Fairfax County has a long standing domestic poisonous snake problem centering around copperheads.  County animal control officials have generally reduced the incidence of copperhead attacks although there have been notable exceptions.  Last year, for example, a copperhead bit a General Assembly member from Fairfax County during an outdoor luncheon meeting.  However, the General Assembly member was so intoxicated it was the copperhead that died.  Some in the county now worry that the good progress made in fighting home grown copperheads will be reversed as Christian refugees from other counties introduce rattlesnakes.

After the press conference Chairman Nod Pmurt stood under the statue of Gerry Connolly in front of the Fairfax County Government Center and said, “My forbearers didn’t come to this county from Pallendromia so their descendants could be eaten by rattlesnakes brought here by Christians.  I know most Christians are law abiding citizens but that’s faint solace to those who find themselves staring into the white cottony mouths of one of those killer reptiles.  And what comes after rattlesnakes?  Cobras?  I can tell you for a fact that the good citizens of Fairfax County will not see their taxes raised to buy a mongoose for every animal control officer in the county.  I think it’s perfectly reasonable to curtail Christian immigration into this county until we get a better handle on the rattlesnake problem.”

— Reporting for The Radish, DJ Rippert

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18 responses to “Fairfax County bans Christian immigrants”

  1. Blasted Christians and their snake worshiping…

    1. That and the Catholic insistence that they eat the body and blood of Christ every Sunday at Mass. Ghoulish!

  2. LarrytheG Avatar

    does that mean that folks who handle vipers, self radicalize?

    1. After you’ve been bitten by about the fifth rattlesnake it’s hard to remember what’s radical and what’s not.

  3. You have made me feel very unsafe. Your post is a microaggression.

    1. I must be getting old. I used to be able to consistently conjure up macroaggressions.

  4. No it was more specific…the children of Hagar not witches etc.
    And Prez Obama is like Abraham in that he is pulled back and back to Iraq. The Lord had to get Abraham out three times before he moved on to the “Promised Land.” The first two times Abraham just could not leave without trying one more time to settle the place now called Iraq. But finally he gave in to The Lord the third time. But he took Hagar with him and that solved the issue forever…or maybe some did not know that? 🙁

    1. I guess it depends which book you are reading. In my book Abraham did not take Hagar with him but rather stayed with Sarah, his wife (Hagar was his concubine, presented to him by Sarah when Sarah could not conceive a child). Once Abraham had a son – Ishameal – with Hagar guess what happened? Sarah conceived Isaac with Abraham. After that, the wife and concubine had a fight (some things never change) and Hagar and Ishmael left to create what is known as the Ishmaelites. Ishmael and his 12 sons inhabited an area known as Nabatene which contained parts of almost every country in the modern Middle East except Iraq. Unfortunately, the Ishmaelites would learn the same lesson I’ve learned being married to an Italian – don’t mess with Italians. The Romans marched in to the Nabatean Empire in 106 AD and took over.

      1. When Abraham left Iraq who went with him? How many? Was it just him and he collected the large clan later in life? And certainly Hagar came from Iraq or where else could she be from?
        There has always been the attraction of the children of Abraham to go back to Iraq broadly defined. The Greeks tried to take charge and so did the Romans. Then the Holy Roman Empire sent at least nine crusades to no avail. After the Ottomans took control there was an imposed peace for several centuries but then England realized that Iraq etc. had oil and that was better than coal for steam ships. And those Germans went ahead and made a deal with the Ottomans to get oil. Then we had World War One which tore the Ottomans empire apart and the Brits and French took over and we have all been trying to figure it out ever since……Like Abraham we are drawn back to Iraq for varying reasons.
        Do we not realize that this is a hundreds year war going back to 1915 when the grandsons of Queen Victoria declared war on each other and the Brits summoned all the colonies from Australian to Canada to South Africa to India and including the USA.
        Oh Abraham why?

        1. I thought Abraham left with Sarah and Isaac. God told Abraham not to worry about Hagar and Ishmael because Ishmael would found a great race. Hagar probably was from Iraq.

          As for me, I have never been to Iraq, have no interest in going there and really have no interest in seeing my sons sent there to fight over that wretched land.

          1. It seems Hagar was from Egypt. See this.
            “Abram and Sarai tried to make sense of how he would become a progenitor of nations since after 10 years of living in Canaan, no child had been born. Sarai then offered her Egyptian handmaiden, Hagar, for Abram to consort with so that he may have a child by her, as his wife. After Hagar found she was pregnant, she began to despise her mistress, Sarai. Therefore, Sarai mistreated Hagar, and Hagar fled away. En route an angel spoke with Hagar at the fountain in the way to Shur. He instructed her to return and that her son would be “a wild ass of a man; his hand shall be against every man, and every man’s hand against him; and he shall dwell in the face of all his brethren.” She was told to call her son Ishmael. Hagar then called God who spoke to her “El-roi”, (“Thou God seest me:” KJV). From that day, the well was called Beer-lahai-roi, (“The well of him that liveth and seeth me.” KJV margin). She then did as she was instructed by returning to her mistress in order to have her child. Abram was eighty-six years of age when Ishmael was born. (Genesis 16:4–16)”

  5. Order me up one of those Don’t Tread on Me Va. license plates before they ban ’em.

    1. On close inspection I notice that the snake on the Gadsen flag is, in fact, a foreign born rattlesnake rather than a native born copperhead. Display of that license plate within the borders of the newly proclaimed Dutchy of Fairfax shall be considered treason by the Lord High Board of Supervisors. The penalty fo treason is to drive Rt 66 during rush hour for a week straight – a fate worse than death.

      1. Hmm that’s true if we’re saying anyone outside Fairfax is a foreigner. One of the first residents of Virginia that I ever met was a rattlesnake in Shenandoah Park. Very thankfully it was back in days when politics were less divisive and rattlesnakes exercised restraint.

        1. Most rattlesnakes are hard working and law abiding reptiles. However, we must protect ourselves from the radicalized rattlesnakes. The problem is differentiating one from the other. The Fairfax County government, in an effort to appease the rattlesnake lobby has agreed to a rattlesnake vetting program. Christian refugees from counties other than Fairfax desiring to bring rattlesnakes into Fairfax will have to go through the vetting program. Citizens are told to have no fear of government vetted rattlesnakes. Lord knows, Fairfax county government has a near perfect record in achieving citizen well being. When asked how the Christian refugee rattlesnake vetting program would be funded, Fairfax officials explained that the now defunct “No gridlock by 2012” tiger team would be re-purposed for rattlesnake vetting.

  6. The good citizens here in Loudoun County must quickly respond to the imminent danger of an influx of Fairfax-rejected Christians bearing these vipers by closing our Fairfax border. This puts new meaning to our concern about not “Fairfaxing” Loudoun. It’s a shame, because I understand there are many Christians who mean well, but the risks are too high for policy guided by charitable sentiments.

    1. I fear for Loudoun. Not only do you have trouble to the south but it’s the lawless land of West Virginia to the north where the Christian rattlesnake menace is the strongest. Beware of innocent H1B visa holders claiming passage from Harper’s Ferry to Sterling to work in the Silicon Mines. They may, in fact, be Christian terrorists with boxes full of deadly beasties strapped to their chest.

  7. Andrew Roesell Avatar
    Andrew Roesell

    Dear Don,

    But for a detail here and there, say, opposition to abortion, homosexuality, and “transsexuality”, in place of “support for snake-handling,” your “Radish” piece would almost be believable in today’s climate in elite Liberal circles, especially at so-called colleges and universities. Protestant Christians founded the British colonies, and Catholics in Maryland, and they established along with certain Deists, the Republic, but now things are being rewritten to exclude Christians from the public square. Though satirical, your piece is true in spirit to these times.



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