The 10 Scary Outcomes of “Goozergeddon”


irst there was “Boomergeddon.” Then “Grovergeddeon.” And now, “Goozergeddon.”

As with the other two, “Goozergeddon” is an apocalyptic image is what will happen in our future if the titanic struggle between two political and economic theories results in the wrong side winning.
Here are the 10 outcomes of “Goozergeddon:”
(1) Barack Obama is voted out of office early and replaced by a coalition of Sarah Palin, George W. Bush and Dick Cheney. Palin becomes our new Prime Minister. Bush becomes our Figurehead. Cheney becomes Cardinal-in-Chief.
(2) All media comes under control of Fox News, which is renamed (apologies to Gary Shtyengart) Fox Liberty Ultra. It is broadcast on every tv, laptop, desktop, ipod, twitter, tweet and cell phone 24/7.
(3) Glenn Beck becomes Secretary of State. Rush Limbaugh becomes Secretary of Dittoheads.
(4) ObamaCare is repealed. New health care legislation is passed that turns everything over to for-profit managed care companies and the free market. They set the rules. There is no regulation.
(5) In the new health care, access is controlled by FICO credit scores. Only those with credit scores of 630 and above will be allowed access to managed care plans. The rest will have no care under the theory that they do not have enough personal responsibility. If they did, they would have FICO scores better than 630.
(6) Although the new health care system is totally free market, it has special guarantees for the health of the managed care companies which are assured healthy returns on equity, returns on investment and net profit margins. Funding for this will come from a new federal program called HARP which is like TARP but is for insurance firms, not banks.
(7) The 14th Amendment will be repealed. To prevent Hispanic “anchor babies” using this ruse to get citizenship, anyone born in the U.S. no longer qualifies for automatic U.S. citizenship regardless of their parents’ citizenship. The program originally was designed to helped newly-freed African-American slaves become U.S. citizens after the Civil War. But with the new program, all African-Americans will lose their U.S. citizenship. They will have to reapply for it. A special government panel of true Americans will decide.
(8) Police can round up anyone they suspect of not being American enough. It is up to the law officers to make that determination. Clothing, music tastes, eating habits, loud talking, overstuffing cars, shoe types, hats, belts and skin color can be used in making judgments.
(9) The U.S. dollar will be pegged to the Chinese yuan. New dollar bills will have American images on one side and Chinese ones on the other.
(10) Deficits and debt are no longer relevant. Issuing the new U.S.-Chinese dollar will clear that up. Remaining debt will be sold on Chinese markets in new financial derivatives called Economic Greater Government Roll Over Liability Listing Stabilities, otherwise known as EGGROLLS.

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5 responses to “The 10 Scary Outcomes of “Goozergeddon””

  1. Larry G Avatar

    Kudos! I especially like number 8 which as some serious McCarthy-esque dimensions to it.

    But you also missed the liberal scum-sucking judges who will be rounded up and sent off to Intelligent Design Camps.

  2. Anonymous Avatar

    Kudos, Peter. A wonderful & sarcastic chuckle! I enjoyed it.


  3. Two sided bills would sure fix the exchange rate. I like it.

    Or, you could let the exchange rates float and have various country denominations on the other side. Having cash would be like a lottery because there wouldalways be the chance of cashing it in for more than you paid for it, depending on what was printed on the other side.

  4. James A. Bacon Avatar
    James A. Bacon

    EGGROLLS — brilliant!

    Peter, you have a bright future selling synthetic colleralized asset mortgages (SCAM) on Wall Street!

  5. Gooze Views Avatar
    Gooze Views

    In the Goozergeddon future there will no longer be U.S. "citizens" They will be called "associates." Like at Wal-Mart.


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