Day offers some friendly advice to the Rev. Jerry
Falwell on how to staff his Faith and Values
Rev. Jerry Falwell
been mulling over your proposed "Faith and
Values Coalition" and think it is just the
thing to help us forget war and poverty and
unemployment and lack of health insurance and
two-dollar-a-gallon gasoline, and such.
Itís just what the country needs: another
you want to register 10 million Republican voters,
"Faith and Values" is okay, but for it to
take real "holt"óas we say out here in
the western part of the stateóyouíre going to
need a catchier name.
and Tammy had PTL (Pass The Loot) and your buddy
Patís got the "700 Club."
So weíre going to have to come up with
something else. And Iíve got it!
telling you, Rev, this one will lay ĎMoral
Majorityí in the shade.
This one will become iconic.
And it came to me in an inspiration!
I did was Google the words "indicted
Republican." Got 105,000 hits on it.
The good Lord does work in mysterious ways,
have to appoint a board of directors.
But you donít have to that all by yourself!
Donít you see?
Iíve been working on this part, too!
Jim and Tammy canít be on the board.
Weíll put them in charge of reservations.
And maybe accounting.
And no, Jimmy Swaggertís got talent that
would be wasted on the board.
He can run the procurement arm of the
operation. And, no, not Rush Limbaugh.
But heíll be perfect for the faith and
values prescription drug program.
thinking more of folks like Ollie North for the
board. All he
did was hold his hand up to God and swear a lie to
Newt Gingrich would be a good one on any faith and
values board. His
extramarital involvement with that congressional
aide may have cost him the Speakership, but thatís
the kind of faith and values leadership we want and
this country needs.
with Republican Bob Livingston, who followed him to
the Speakerís chairóand out the same doorófor
nearly the same reason.
how Ďbout former Republican Congressman Bob Barr,
? Letís see. What
was it? I
remember now. Infidelity
and lying under oath about an abortion.
Your buddy Larry Flynt outed him.
Heíd be perfect.
how about Jack Ryan, the Illinois Republican who
dropped out of the Senate race after his ex-wife
made such a stink out of that sex club thing?
Heíd be good.
He likes performing in public.
think about Republican Senate Majority Leader
might not quite measure up.
He hasnít been indicted himself, but three
of his tops aides were.
Just recently, too.
letís not forget the homegrown, local talent. Virginiaís a regular Republican garden in that regard.
Vance Wilkins would be a lock for any "faith
and values" board.
Heís got time to do it, too.
And former Virginia Republican Party Chairman
Gary Thompsonís got some time on his hands.
Iíd say heíd be good.
And heís got the right credentials: Heís
been indicted. And
I would recommend Ed
Matricardi, the former executive director of the
Republican Party of Virginia.
was indicted, too,
which makes him eminently qualified for the board.
But might I suggest that, with his demonstrated
skills as a good listener, he might more usefully
serve as Council spokesman?
I think youíre on to something.
Rounding up ten million folks for your faith
and values outfit will take some doing, but hey!
Youíve got your base!
Itís ready made!
Who could possibly know more about another
"faith and values" scam that the folks who
wrote the book on it?
-- November 29, 2004