Letter to the Speaker
all due respect, sir, how does the Republican Party
propose to run on an anti-tax platform? Only eight
House Republicans steadfastly held the line against
taxes this past session.
hope this finds you well and happy.
can tell that your backside must be quite properly
chapped from some of the moves you’ve been making
and I enclose a small tin of "Cornbread
Marshall’s Amazing Butt Butter" that should
give you instant and salubrious relief in that
are not necessary. You’re
for you for sacking Preston Bryant
and Chris Jones. By
Gawd, that’ll learn ’em!
putting Morgan Griffith on the FOIA Council?
Pure genius! That’ll
put those whiny constitutionalists and First
Amendment freaks in their places!
It’s about time somebody stood up for
Lisa Kemler, the Alexandria
attorney who represented Lorena Bobbitt?
No matter how you slice it, Mr. Speaker,
Governor Warner has appointed her to a circuit court
judgeship, at least on an interim basis.
you feel like he’s cutting into your territory, or
perhaps that he has cut you off at the pass on this
one, Mr. Speaker, but you do have moves left.
You can cut your losses, cut and run, or, if
it comes down to it, cut off debate on the matter.
of celibacy, Mr. Speaker, I bring to your attention
The Celibate Eight — Clay Athey, Rob Bell, Dick
Black, Ben Cline, Jeff Frederick, Tim Hugo, Bob
Marshall and Bob McDonnell.
(By the way, Mr. Speaker, this
characterization comes from a mutual friend of
good Republicans, members of your own caucus, Mr.
Speaker, are the only Republican members of the
House of Delegates who voted against every tax
increase that went up on the board during the last
that includes you, Mr. Speaker, and your two
independent pals, Lacey Putney and Watkins Abbitt.
Del. Mark Cole would have made the
‘Eight’ list but, alas, he abstained on the
sales tax votes.
what’s with that, Mr. Speaker?
What’s with all this business about the
so-called "renegade" members.
What’s with this retribution stuff you’re
laying on? If you’re going to be consistent about
it, you’ve got to get good and chapped up at 52 of
your Republicans, and your two independents — not
just a handful.
(Remember, the bliss of ‘Cornbread
Marshall’s Amazing Butt Butter’ awaits you!)
how I analyze the roll-call votes, Mr. Speaker.
I count HB 1488 and HB 5002, two bills
removing business sales tax exemptions, as tax
Why would I do that, Mr. Speaker?
Well, for starters, your pals, Grover
Norquist and Jim Parmalee said they were.
And that’s good enough for me.
And, hey, Jerry Kilgore and George Allen knew
they were! If
they could figure it out, my cat could!
there you have it, Mr. Speaker.
Only eight members of the Republican House
Caucus — Clay Athey, Rob Bell, Dick Black, Ben
Cline, Jeff Frederick,
Tim Hugo, Bob Marshall and Bob McDonnell — talked
the talk and walked the walk.
The rest of you, like you do so often, talked
one game and played another when it came to
increasing taxes during the last session of the
I know, sir, that you’re probably asking yourself,
"Why’s he being so damned hateful and
bringing this up at a time like this?"
truth is, Mr. Speaker, I’m trying to be helpful.
You see, I noticed, particularly after the
GOP convention in
a couple of weeks ago, that you all are still trying
to package yourselves as the "anti-tax"
that’s not what you are.
Of the 61 Republicans and 2 Independents who
vote Republican in the House of Delegates, 54 of you
voted for some sort of tax increase during the last
I’m thinking, if all they’ve got to run on is
"No New Taxes," then only eight of them
have anything to run on!
line, Mr. Speaker? You’ve
got to get a new gig.
Hey, there’s plenty of time.
Have a good summer.
-- June 21, 2004