Fairfax, VA – The Fairfax County Board of Supervisors (BoS), in a raucous meeting last night, voted 7 – 1 to ban any more Christian immigrants from entering Fairfax County. The board cited a “clear and compelling danger” posed by Christians importing deadly rattlesnakes into the county. The few stunned onlookers who could gather their thoughts enough to speak expressed skepticism over the both the legality and practicality of a county board banning immigration into a county based on religion. However, seven of the eight board members were adamant that the board had the legal, moral and God-given right to protect the citizens of Fairfax County against the scourge of Christian rattlesnakes.
In a post-vote news conference, Board Chairman Nod Pmurt explained the reasoning behind the ban. “It has come to our attention that some Christian sects have taken to collecting and handling rattlesnakes as part of their religious observance. Fairfax County is a rattlesnake-free county and we can’t have Christians collecting rattlesnakes and bringing them into Fairfax County.” Chairman Pmurt went on to say that he saw an expose on the Christian ritual of collecting and handling rattlesnakes on a 60 Minutes rerun so he knew it must be true. Researchers at The Radish have located the 60 Minutes piece in question. (See video above.)
Fairfax County has a long standing domestic poisonous snake problem centering around copperheads. County animal control officials have generally reduced the incidence of copperhead attacks although there have been notable exceptions. Last year, for example, a copperhead bit a General Assembly member from Fairfax County during an outdoor luncheon meeting. However, the General Assembly member was so intoxicated it was the copperhead that died. Some in the county now worry that the good progress made in fighting home grown copperheads will be reversed as Christian refugees from other counties introduce rattlesnakes.
After the press conference Chairman Nod Pmurt stood under the statue of Gerry Connolly in front of the Fairfax County Government Center and said, “My forbearers didn’t come to this county from Pallendromia so their descendants could be eaten by rattlesnakes brought here by Christians. I know most Christians are law abiding citizens but that’s faint solace to those who find themselves staring into the white cottony mouths of one of those killer reptiles. And what comes after rattlesnakes? Cobras? I can tell you for a fact that the good citizens of Fairfax County will not see their taxes raised to buy a mongoose for every animal control officer in the county. I think it’s perfectly reasonable to curtail Christian immigration into this county until we get a better handle on the rattlesnake problem.”
— Reporting for The Radish, DJ Rippert