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Guest Column

Blue Dog Tales


 

The  Big, Bad Warner

Mark Warner is touring the country telling fables about his fiscal conservatism, i.e. ramming through a tax hike in a red state. Why, Governor, what big lies you have.


 

Earlier this month, tears dwelled in my big blue eyes as I watched Mark Warner present his last governor's address on television. It's boohoo time!

 

Alas.... His Excellency, the Mollycoddle, has finally departed after highlighting how his gubernatorial tenure "did change the tone in Richmond."

 

Oh thank you, that is so kind and thoughtful of you.

 

But did he mean to say those hair-color tones and blonde highlights?

 

Err ... a light woody brown with blond tones, I might add.

 

Warner's sendoff as governor is a day late and surplus dollar short. After all, Warner has been AWOL for the past two months playing presidential dark horse, while the state been running on tax-surplus autopilot with Tim "The Choir Boy" Kaine waiting with his angelic wings.

 

Warner has been busy with his political-action committee as he continued his gallivanting around the nation touting his tax-and-spending successes in Virginia. Meanwhile, a Democratic activist and apparent Warner groupie in Virginia has formed a Hillary Clinton and Mark Warner presidential committee.

   

Have you ever played the game "Where's Waldo?" As a result of developing his hunting prowess, the Blue Dog has been keeping a political diary on Mark Warner's world travel exploits. Well, it's time to play the Blue Dog’s version of "Where's Warner?"

 

Oh yes! That Blue Dog can hunt, err ... search the Internet.     

 

Little Red Riding Tax Hood

 

Remember, Warner is the only governor who attended the 2005 Bilderberg conference with the elite corporate globalists in Italy. Without a doubt, Warner is the quintessential metrosexual trilateralist. Mollycoddle loves to play globetrotter as well as presidential wannabe.

 

While featured on C-SPAN's "Road to the White House" in November, Warner touted Virginia as "the best-managed state in America." Oh my, my - what big lies you have, Mr. Ex-Governor!

 

There's no doubt this milquetoast Governor Mollycoddle has his away game on. After all, Warner was rated as one of Time's top five governors in 2005.

 

Mr. Presidential Potential was seen wearing his game face with his blonde hair color de jour and big toothy grin as he spoke with bogus Southern accent to the New Hampshire faithful. Oh my, my - what big teeth you have, Governor!

 

Blue Dog note: To the Dog's naysayers, Warner has admitted those corn-chumpers are his "horse teeth." Nonetheless, Warner is off to a rousing non-existant  campaign. No less to standing ovations in the Granite State! Those dumb Yankee Democrats were fawning all over Warner's fiscally conservative game plan in Virginia, which was nothing more than switcheroo liberal Democratic tax-and-spend politics.

 

But Governor, you do look so presidential! What big plans you have!

 

Because he represents the salvation of the issue-bankrupt Democratic Party.

 

Truth be known, the Blue Dog has always identified Governor Mollycoddle as a Yellow Wolf, err ... I meant to say Yellow Dog Democrat!

 

Oh my, my - the better to eat up those taxes with spending projects.

 

Who's zooming who?

 

In December, His Excellency issued his first death-row clemency and unveiled his version of DNA death-penalty politics to the mainstream. The dubious decision probably had nothing to do with avoiding the political distinction of presiding over the nation's 1,000th death-penalty execution. Absolutely, positively not!

 

Adding icing to his presidential campaign cake, Warner added state protections against employment discrimination based on sexual orientation and included the executive order in the state budget. How odd. But that had nothing to do with Democratic appeasement --absolutely, positively not! -- while his official kickoff for Forward Together PAC and Love-fest blog along with Warner's presidential aspirations took center stage in Virginia.

 

Absolutely, positively yes!

 

As Virginia Democrats dropped millions more into the Warner's campaign coffers, the Democratic front-running governor received a tan from his own glow. There's nothing like paying homage to the Democratic golden calf, err ... golden goose.

 

Although Warner has not officially declared, it's the open question and media speculation that sells a presidential candidate to the public. 

 

Heading to New York, Warner touted educating the workforce and winning "the race for the future." His next stop was Orlando to court the Florida and the Mickey Mouse Democratic donors at Walt Disney World, where the local pressed hailed him as a common-sense governor from a "notoriously anti-tax state" who managed a tax increase.

 

However, the media didn't note the huge state surplus due to his exaggerated two-year projections for the state budget, and of course, those bogus threats of an endangered AAA-bond rating in 2004.

 

Later in the month of December, the governor unveiled his state budget, err ... without incoming Democratic Gov. Tim Kaine's campaign-promised preschool program.

 

Is that another case of Warner political-doublespeak?

 

Governor Mollycoddle proposed a $72 billion two-year budget, which doles out millions in surplus tax dollars for his campaign promises before leaving the governor's mansion. There’s no way on God's green Earth that the mandated state-salary and departmental-budget increases recommended by Warner can be sustained without another hefty tax increase in the next four years.

 

Kaine will never recover from Warner’s revolving debt.

 

In a Forward Together e-mail, Warner wrote, "Since the election, I've been able to do some traveling, telling the story of our success in Virginia and sharing what I believe to be the key elements of our approach. The response has been very good. From New Hampshire to Florida, Americans have turned out to learn how a Democrat can do so well in a 'red state.' "

 

Oh please! Spare us your lessons in sloppy accounting and fudging numbers.

 

There's no doubt the state received a spending break, with our lame-duck governor on the road again and again taking care of his business, err ... the business of self-promotion, that is to say.

 

At the year's end, the Blue Dog received his annual Season's Greetings card from the governor and his family. I'm surprised the card didn't come postage due.

 

-- January 30, 2006

 

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Steven Sisson is a fiscally conservative, Mountain-Valley Democrat, party activist, columnist and serious amateur genealogist. His work is published in the Augusta Free Press  

His e-mail address is:

ValleyBlueDog@

   adelphia.net

 

Read his profile and back columns here.