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Not
such a long time ago, in a Commonwealth far, far
away.... A young Anti-Tax Jedi apprentice pleas to
his master: “Please explain, oh wise Obi-Wan
Bluedoggie.
“What
does it mean to have outstanding debt to contractors
for work they have completed years ago?
“What
does it mean, master, to have depleted the rainy-day
fund, or the transportation trust fund?
“What
do you mean when you say we don’t need to address
transportation?
“Tell
us, Master Obi-Wan Bluedoggie. Have we been lied to?
Does the AAA bond rating mean nothing? Is the
recognition that we are the best-run state in the
entire USA a ruse? A sham? A lie? Forgive my hour of
weakness, oh, great Doggie Wan, but it certainly
looks like more cars and trucks out there to me.
“I
understand that you are against taxes, master, and
that you are against tolls, oh, holy one, and that
you are against roads, your highness, and that you
are against doing anything about anything, oh, one
of greatest wisdom.
“But,
please, have but a bit of mercy on a poor, unworthy
soul of admitted weak and simple nature, what do you
propose? Do we work to save our unworthy selves? Or
do we simply consign ourselves to a desperate and
dirty existence with no hope of anything?
“I
pray that you will give me just the bit of
illumination I can endure.
“I
remain steadfastly your faithful and unworthy and
humble servant.”
Tax
Wars – the Final Episode?
“You
do not want to legislate any transportation
taxes,” said Obi-Wan Bluedoggie, using the Force
mind trick.
“You
want to go home to your election district and
rethink your life.”
“Oh,
young Anti-Tax Jedi apprentice. Listen to your
master, Obi-Wan Bluedoggie, for it is written,
‘Fear is the path to the Dark Side. Fear leads to
anger, anger leads to taxes, taxes lead to citizen
suffering. I sense much ear in you. Much
fear.’
“His
Excellency, the Governor Mollycoddle’s roads are
nothing more than urban sprawl can openers to rural
and scenic Virginia. These are open space
invaders. “Outstanding debt to
contractors is the Dark Side of special interests
along with corporate welfare for the politicians who
have succumbed to the Dark Side.
“His
Excellency, Darth Sidious the Governor Mollycoddle,
depleted the rainy-day fund with his spending
increases.
You
see, Governor Mollycoddle has become the prime
practitioner of The Dark Side of the Force in the
Commonwealth.
“His
evil plan is to rule the entire universe as the
Imperial United States President.
“The
Commonwealth needs a lockbox for state education
funds to train our young Anti-Tax Jedi at the public
schools (and, of course, studies as the CATO
anti-tax academies) before the state ever locks and
loads up transportation funding.
“As
for mistruths, the AAA bond ratings, and best-run
state awards… throughout the 2004 anti-budget
fiasco, Darth Sidious the Mollycoddle was
manipulating both ends of the political aisle, as he
egged on the normally non-confrontational Democrats
and pro-tax Republicans into political
revenue-enhancing combat.
“Governor
Mollycoddle somehow stalled procedures in the House
and Senate to keep the public from interfering with
a tax referendum.
“Senator
Yar-Yar Potts was instrumental in Darth Sidious the
Governor Mollycoddle’s plot to overtake the
Virginia Senate.
“I
hateth taxes, but I loveth Virginny Mo,” pleaded
Sen. Yar-Yar Potts.
Later
that same day, Yoda Norquist told the Anti-Tax Jedi
Council, “Victory? No, not victory for Darth
Sidious the Governor Mollycoddle. The shroud of the
Dark Side has fallen on the Commonwealth. Begun, the
Tax Wars has.”
Qui-Pub
the Reddoggie told the flip-flopping Yar-Yar Potts:
“The ability to speak does not make you
intelligent. Now get out of the GOP!”
The
Clone-Transportation Tax War
“You
see, young Pattiwan, as an apprentice, you have much
to learn as an Anti-Tax Jedi, such as the need for
mass transit, rail solutions and planned communities
that are not auto-dependent.
“Because
more roads and transportation funding are not the
way of an Anti-Tax Jedi.
“While
on the path, beware of the dark side. Anger, fear,
higher taxes; the dark side of the pro-tax Forces
are they.
“As
the 2005 clone-transportation issue campaign
approaches, you must oppose the forces of the
pro-tax Senate Sith Lords of the Commonwealth and
their fear of the future.
“Please
resist the Dark Side and vote against tolls and
higher taxes.
“But
most of all, vote in favor of limited state
government.
“Yoda
Norquest has said, ‘Only a fully trained Anti-Tax
Jedi Knight at the Cato academy, with the Force as
his ally, will conquer Darth Sidious the Governor
Mollycoddle.
“In
the Commonwealth, there could be other Sith Lords
for governor – and it’s either the Democrat,
Darth Faith-base, or the Republican, Darth
Transportation-plus.
“Because
one has been seduced by Dark Sidious the Governor
Mollycoddle and the Dark Side.
“Remember,
always two there are, no more, no less: a master and
an apprentice.
“Fear.
Fear attracts the fearful. The stronger majority
‘Pubs. The weaker minority Dems. The innocent, yet
numb-minded taxpayer. The corrupted special
interests.
“Fear.
Fear is their ally."
A
New Hope
“Patience,
my blue friend,” said Qui-Pub the Reddoggie,
speaking at the Anti-Tax Jedi Cost-Cutting Council.
“Legislating
through Commonwealth ain,t like dusting crops,
Obi-Wan Bluedoggie,” said Qui-Pub the Reddoggie.
“Without
precise budget calculations, government would spend
right through a star, or bounce too close to a
mega-surplus, and that would be spent real quick,
wouldn’t it?”
“Remember,”
the Master Anti-Tax Jedi Knight Yoda Norquist said:
“Mistrust leads to frustration, frustration leads
to anger, anger leads to taxes, taxes leads to more
taxes.
“The
Force is what gives an Anti-Tax Jedi Knight his
power. It’s an energy field created by all living
things. It surrounds us and penetrates us. It binds
the Commonwealth together.
“May
the ATR Force be with you always.”
--Obi-Wan
Bluedoggie
Columnist's
note: Special thank you to Pastor John's acolyte Web
post for the inspiration. The Blue Dog (Obi-Wan
Bluedoggie) is dedicating this column to movie
director George Lucas. He is the master of the
sci-fi mythology and family-friendly entertainment.
May the force be with George Lucas, always.
--
May 23, 2005
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