Believes in Religion
other true facts)
doesn’t write checks, or use ATMs.
Bubba’s ol’ lady keeps up with the
prefers folding, front pocket whip-out.
doesn’t send emails.
He owns a cell phone, but he only uses it
during deer season.
He doesn’t own a BlackBerry.
Bubba likes blackberry cobbler.
doesn’t wear Crocs, or cook with olive oil.
Or balsamic vinegar.
Bubba doesn’t peel his tomatoes.
doesn’t think men ought to marry men, or women
got a cousin who’s a little bit light in the
loafers, but everybody knows that’s ‘cause his
mama let him put on lipstick and play dress-up
when he was little.
might call his mother-in-law by her first name,
and he might not. It
depends on whether or not she’s still alive.
When he’s just thinking about her, the
b-word rises in.
thought a lot of Jesse Helms.
He wouldn’t vote for Hillary if she was
the last man on earth — and not just because of
the fat ankles. Bubba
never had trouble with fat ankles.
His mama and his sister and his wife have
bad about ol’ Jesse.
doesn’t shop. His
ol’ lady buys his clothes for him — she knows
what to get — he likes logos and decals.
Anything else he needs, his sister orders
it from Cabella’s on her credit card and Bubba
gives her the money from his whip-out.
knows some good minorities.
He works with a few of them.
The ones he knows are alright.
He don’t trust the rest of them — and
he don’t like it when they marry Americans. Bubba
thinks folks ought to marry their own kind.
lies to the pollster.
It’s none of their damn business.
He don’t like McCain, or Obama, neither,
but he’ll probably vote.
He just ain’t decided how yet.
Not for certain.
McCain’s ol’ lady’s just got too much
wishes Dale, Jr. would run.
don’t like banks or insurance companies.
He thinks they’re all sonsofbitches.
He don’t like preachers, neither.
He thinks most of them are sonofibtches,
too — except the ones he knows.
believes in religion.
He thinks everybody ought to believe in
something, but he don’t get too tangled up in
the details. Bubba
thinks religions are all about the same when it
comes right down to it — except for the Jews and
the Catholics and the Muslims, the Lutherans, the
Episcowhatyoucallems, and them high and mighty
a ‘nother thang — he don’t trust them
churches that run off good preachers every four
them you have to go to on Saturdays.
Or them that call the head man anything
thinks we ought to bomb the hell out of whoever is
making gas go to four dollars a gallon.
doesn’t have a garden.
Bubba’s got a garden-spot.
He puts out beans, and taters and such.
doesn’t play golf. He
sights in his blackpowder on the weekends.
He’ll go to Myrtle Beach for a day or two, just to shut his ol’ lady up,
but he prefers Buggs
has never paid someone to change his oil.
Bubba doesn’t have a job that pays
drinks — a little, on the weekends — mostly
he’s got a bottle of Old Crow — and he does
— it’s in the tool box in the back of his
drink water out of a mudhole before he would a
glass of wine.
used to smoke — and he still does when his ol’
lady ain’t around — too much chin music now
— but not in the house — out in his shop where
he keeps his stuff.
ain’t had a physical in years — if he had
insurance, they wouldn’t cover it, the
Besides that, Bubba don’t like rubber
don’t worry about physicals.
Bubba knows none of us get out of this
alive — we all got to go sometime.
doesn’t know what ‘empowered’ means.
Bubba doesn’t know what “empowered”
feels like, and hasn’t thought about it.
Bubba doesn’t know his time has come.
doesn’t know what a “swing” voter is.
He doesn’t know that’s what he is.
doesn’t know he’s going to elect the next
July 7, 2008