Attorney General Robert F. McDonnell

Jokes at the 58th Annual

Shad Planking  

• Thank you Senator Allen for that great introduction. Just think, one day I’ll be able to tell my grandchildren that I was once introduced by the Pres…….Junior Senator from the Commonwealth of Virginia.

• And let me just say it was an honor to be selected as the keynote speaker at this years Shad Planking. At least I thought it was until someone reminded me that no Attorney General who has been keynote here has ever been elected to another office!

• It is great to be at the 58th Annual Shad Planking, a true Virginia tradition. 2007 marks the 400th Anniversary of Virginia, and, at the same time, the 400th Anniversary of the first time an English settler saw Shad Roe and said “You expect me to eat that!?”

• The Shad Planking is beloved by Virginia politicians. Mark Warner loves the Shad Planking, he says he has so much in common with shad. I can see that. Shad is a fish that comes to Virginia only temporarily, accomplishes its goals, and quickly leaves the state!

• This is an election year in Virginia. Senator Allen will have a Democrat opponent this year, and I believe both gentlemen seeking to be that candidate are here today. I have to hand it Harris Miller, I don’t know many people who would have looked at the political landscape and said, “This is the perfect time for a Washington D.C insider lobbyist to run for office.”

• Jim Webb is also with us. Jim, as a fellow veteran, I salute your service. But I am a little confused; does your campaign as a Democrat for Senate mean that your annual Summer Republican Cook-Out is canceled? Just need to know if we should reschedule.

• Jim is already doing his part to fit into the party of John Kerry. After all, Jim Webb was for George Allen before he was against him.

• Jim Webb has a great slogan, “Born Fighting.” It’s not original; he stole it from the General Assembly.

• We do miss the members of the General Assembly. As you can see from the budget mess the place is just not the same since Bill Mims and I left!

• It has been a contentious session as you know. Unfortunately it now seems like thing have gotten even worse. Last update I heard: Speaker Bill Howell has introduced the Nebraska Plan, calling for a unicameral legislature with the abolition of the Senate. In a rare show of unity the House passed the bill overwhelmingly.

• Transportation is the hot issue, and many of you have heard Governor Kaine speak on this. He has noted that we shouldn’t “pave our roads with schoolbooks.” To which schoolchildren across Virginia replied, “Bummer.”

• I haven’t really been that involved in the transportation issue. I’m still settling in to getting used to being Attorney General and not a delegate. Biggest positives? There are two. Number one: I’m not at the veto session. Number two: My office is out of Jack Reid’s range.

• They are getting some things done this session. Jack Reid proved that it is possible to hit a bullet proof vest from across the room at the Capital. In fairness, Jack received his firearms safety training from Dick Cheney.

• Of course I didn’t come into office with the biggest of margins of victory. And it was a little awkward at my Attorney General welcome party when they brought out the cake and it had Congratulations Attorney General Deeds crossed out in yellow icing.

• A lot of people have said that my close victory must have taught me the importance of never missing a political event. Not really. It basically just confirmed to me the importance of having a big Irish-Catholic family!

• It is nice to have last year’s election behind us, finally. It got a little rough toward the end. I know many of you heard me portrayed by opponents as a puppet of Pat Robertson. People said that Bob McDonnell just does whatever Pat says. Well let me make something clear folks. Pat says that is just not true and he told me to tell all of you that I don’t just say whatever he wants me to say! Pat will be happy to hear we cleared that up.

• I have to tell you I am glad to be in office now. It really can be fun being Attorney General. In the last two weeks I got to go after the ACLU for suing the Boy Scouts, and the IRS for not protecting taxpayer information. All we were missing was a lawsuit against Hillary Clinton and it would have been the perfect week for a Republican Attorney General.

• And I’ve been doing a lot of outreach in office, including the brave new world of the Blogs. I might be the only officeholder who has spoken to the real Larry Sabato and the blogger named “Not Larry Sabato” all in the same day.

• Not everything is great though about being Attorney General. For instance, everyone calls you General but I have no weapons, and no soldiers. All I have is lawyers, and a small fleet of used state owned Chevrolet Malibus.

• But seriously, things are going well. As you know, one of the chief duties of the Attorney General is to issue opinions. Now, every lawyer has an opinion, but mine actually count now!

• One opinion of ours in particular raised eyebrows in the Governors office though. In this specific instance I told the Governor that he does not have the authority to issue certain executive orders. He doesn’t have that much power. But I was also very clear that any restrictions on the Governors power expire in January of 2010. I think that’s fair.

• As I close, I do see some individuals I want to acknowledge. Tom Davis is here. Tom, along with his wife Senator Jeanemarie Devolites-Davis, is part of the most powerful political family in Virginia. You’ll recognize Tom. He’s the guy carrying around the manila envelope containing copies of Senator John Warner’s medical records and retirement benefits.

• Jerry Kilgore is here. Jerry is a great guy, and I’m sorry last year didn’t work out. But look at today: Tim Kaine is stuck in Richmond at the veto session, while you’re drinking beer at the shad planking. I’d say on this day its Kilgore 1, Kaine 0.

• And I’m sorry Bill Bolling can’t be with us. Bill is back in Richmond presiding over the Senate. Now I know Bill has been a little bored, the job of Lieutenant Governor is a part-time position. Bill basically has two jobs: Break tie votes, and occasionally check the Governor’s pulse. But I didn’t know how truly bored Bill was until he called me asking who I was going to vote for on American Idol!