Faceplant. Every morning I open my Facebook page to see what my “friends” are doing. Some are ranting about Obama, some are still ranting about Bush, several want people to adopt dogs of various breeds. Bacon is plugging his latest column and quite a few people are looking for things in a game called Farmville. This morning was a bit different. Staring back at me from my computer monitor was Ken “Mr Greenjeans” Cuccinelli. The Cooch has decided to solicit support for his jobs plan by being photographed in a field, wearing jeans and leaning against the back of a pickup truck. I actually did laugh out loud when I saw the picture.
Paging Michael Dukakis. I have nothing but respect for farmers or ranchers or cowboys (except the ones from Dallas) or whoever Cuccinelli was trying to impress. I even own a place in rural Maryland surrounded by corn and soybean fields. There are plenty of real farmers out there so I’m pretty sure I could recognize a farmer if I saw one. Cooch … dude – you look like a Swedish accountant who hasn’t been outdoors since the late 90s. Jim Bacon looks more like a farmer than you do.
Pointers for the next farming photo op. Here’s the difference between what I have observed of actual farmers and your photograph. Farmers don’t wear golf shirts. Put on a tee shirt. If you don’t own one find a skinny 14 year old and see if he’ll lend you his. There is no Earthly way that farmers can keep their skin as white as yours. Maybe hit a tanning bed or at least try some insta-tan. A hat would also be nice. I’d recommend “Bass Pro Shops” but anything other than a hat made by a golf equipment manufacturer will work. No flat brims and take the store tag off before wearing it. We’ll work on the urban look later, for now it’s the rural thing we’re trying to get right.
The real Farmer Greenjeans. Ken, there is hope – the actor who portrayed Farmer Greenjeans on Captain Kangaroo wasn’t a real farmer either. His name was Hugh Brannum and he grew up in the suburbs of Chicago and became a jazz musician before he took on the persona of Farmer Greenjeans.
Equal time. Anybody who knows of a picture of Terry McAuliffe pretending to be something he is not should bring it to my attention. For example, a picture of Terry pretending to be a person interested in public service would work.
- D.J. Rippert