Ken, meet Herman. Back in the early 90s there was a short-lived sitcom on Fox called Herman’s Head. In this generally forgettable show a man named Herman faced the vagaries of life while four other actors portrayed the various voices speaking to Herman inside his head. Theoretically, the show was funny because you could watch the voices talk to Herman as he decided what to say and do. Ken Cuccinelli’s decision to publish a book of his thoughts on America and American politics has me wondering about the voices inside Kenneth’s head. What voices are telling Mr. Cuccinelli that a political book is a good way to kick off a campaign for governor? What arguments do the voices make to convince Ken that using a book to (presumably) move further to the right is a good idea in a state that just voted for Barack Obama? Who are the voices and what are they saying?
What a character. In the original “Herman’s Head” show, the voices were portrayed by characters named angel, genius, wimp and animal. In this new version of the show, to be reprised as “Inside Kenneth’s Head”, the voices will be portrayed by characters dubbed Mirror, Prince William, Dubya and Einstein. The new show is far from finished and is scheduled to be pitched to Fox (who else?) in the near future. However, the first episode entitled “Throw the Book at ‘Em” is done. In this inaugural episode the four voices counsel Kenneth on the wisdom of writing a book in the middle of a campaign.
Mirror (portrayed by Karl Rove). “Let’s be honest Ken, you never met a mirror you didn’t like. And for good reason! Behind your Adonis like face is a Fort Knox brain. Full of gold! You need to let that gold flow through your fingers onto the keyboard and into history. The hell with the Pulitzer Prize, this book is going to be the next chapter added to the King James Bible.”
Prince William (portrayed by Bob Marshall). “Agenda 21 is coming. Obama’s death panels are being formed as we speak. Hillary will be elected the next president using computer viruses in the voting machines. Worse yet, Joe Biden is being set up to become NFL commissioner. We have to stop this, Kenneth. We need a book. A book that will cause the invisible majority to rise up with pitchforks, torches and large-magazine assault weapons! Otherwise, nothing will stop them. We will become their servants.”
Dubya (portrayed by Rodney Dangerfield). ”Kenny, you don’t get no respect. You try to deny health coverage to the gay partners of state employees and whadda you get? Some ‘law’ thrown in your face like a banana cream pie. Hey, it’s not like you’re the Attorney General or nothin’. And that McDonnell guy. Who does he think he is? You know what you need? A book. McDonnell don’t got no book and he’s already been governor. Yeah, that’s the ticket – a book. That’ll get you some respect.”
Einstein (portrayed by Ronald Reagan). “Well Kenneth … I’m glad to see all the good things you’ve been doing since I’ve been gone. And now you’re running for governor. Well, well. I ran for governor once. People said I was a B list actor without any practical ideas. They said I never created a job or met a payroll. And they were right. Worse yet, my opponent had a lot of real world experience and a lot of practical ideas. Mommy and I were wondering what to do when an idea hit me. I’ll switch opponents. I’ll run against ’government’ rather than a person. Heck, I couldn’t have beaten my human opponent. So, I wrote some speeches and hit the campaign trail running against ‘government’. Everybody forgot I was a radical. You can do the same thing. Just one thing, Kenneth, I don’t want to be mean but I’ve heard you speak in public. Maybe a book?”
The missing voice. Cuccinelli’s book will be available to the general public next week. In the meantime, a number of media outlets received an advance copy. Politico received a copy and wrote a synopsis. One of the most telling comments involved Cuccinelli’s disinterest in Bob McDonnell. “Virginia Gov. Bob McDonnell is only mentioned once in the book, in the context of signing a state law to oppose mandates in March 2010. He is not thanked in the acknowledgements. By contrast, James Madison is cited 11 times and Thomas Jefferson comes up nine times.”
Hey Ken – you might want to add the very popular sitting governor’s voice to the cacophony inside your head. He might have said, “A book? Now? Have you lost your mind?”
– DJ Rippert