Inside Kenneth’s Head

Ken, meet Herman.  Back in the early 90s there was a short-lived sitcom on Fox called Herman’s Head.  In this generally forgettable show a man named Herman faced the vagaries of life while four other actors portrayed the various voices speaking to Herman inside his head.  Theoretically, the show was funny because you could watch the voices talk to Herman as he decided what to say and do.  Ken Cuccinelli’s decision to publish a book of his thoughts on America and American politics has me wondering about the voices inside Kenneth’s head.  What voices are telling Mr. Cuccinelli that a political book is a good way to kick off a campaign for governor?  What arguments do the voices make to convince Ken that using a book to (presumably) move further to the right is a good idea in a state that just voted for Barack Obama?  Who are the voices and what are they saying?

What a character.  In the original “Herman’s Head” show, the voices were portrayed by characters named angel, genius, wimp and animal.  In this new version of the show, to be reprised as “Inside Kenneth’s Head”, the voices will be portrayed by characters dubbed Mirror, Prince William, Dubya and Einstein.  The new show is far from finished and is scheduled to be pitched to Fox (who else?) in the near future.  However, the first episode entitled “Throw the Book at ‘Em” is done.  In this inaugural episode the four voices counsel Kenneth on the wisdom of writing a book in the middle of a campaign.

Mirror (portrayed by Karl Rove).  “Let’s be honest Ken, you never met a mirror you didn’t like.  And for good reason!  Behind your Adonis like face is a Fort Knox brain.  Full of gold!  You need to let that gold flow through your fingers onto the keyboard and into history.  The hell with the Pulitzer Prize, this book is going to be the next chapter added to the King James Bible.”

Prince William (portrayed by Bob Marshall).  “Agenda 21 is coming.  Obama’s death panels are being formed as we speak.  Hillary will be elected the next president using computer viruses in the voting machines.  Worse yet, Joe Biden is being set up to become NFL commissioner.  We have to stop this, Kenneth.  We need a book.  A book that will cause the invisible majority to rise up with pitchforks, torches and large-magazine assault weapons!  Otherwise, nothing will stop them.  We will become their servants.”

Dubya (portrayed by Rodney Dangerfield).  “Kenny, you don’t get no respect.  You try to deny health coverage to the gay partners of state employees and whadda you get?  Some ‘law’ thrown in your face like a banana cream pie.  Hey, it’s not like you’re the Attorney General or nothin’.  And that McDonnell guy.  Who does he think he is?  You know what you need?  A book.  McDonnell don’t got no book and he’s already been governor.  Yeah, that’s the ticket – a book.  That’ll get you some respect.”

Einstein (portrayed by Ronald Reagan).  “Well Kenneth … I’m glad to see all the good things you’ve been doing since I’ve been gone.  And now you’re running for governor.  Well, well.  I ran for governor once.  People said I was a B list actor without any practical ideas.  They said I never created a job or met a payroll.  And they were right.  Worse yet, my opponent had a lot of real world experience and a lot of practical ideas.  Mommy and I were wondering what to do when an idea hit me.  I’ll switch opponents.  I’ll run against ‘government’ rather than a person.  Heck, I couldn’t have beaten my human opponent.  So, I wrote some speeches and hit the campaign trail running against ‘government’.  Everybody forgot I was a radical.  You can do the same thing.  Just one thing, Kenneth, I don’t want to be mean but I’ve heard you speak in public.  Maybe a book?”

The missing voice.  Cuccinelli’s book will be available to the general public next week.  In the meantime, a number of media outlets received an advance copy.  Politico received a copy and wrote a synopsis.  One of the most telling comments involved Cuccinelli’s disinterest in Bob McDonnell.  “Virginia Gov. Bob McDonnell is only mentioned once in the book, in the context  of signing a state law to oppose mandates in March 2010. He is not thanked in  the acknowledgements. By contrast, James Madison is cited 11 times and Thomas  Jefferson comes up nine times.”

Hey Ken – you might want to add the very popular sitting governor’s voice to the cacophony inside your head.  He might have said, “A book?  Now?  Have you lost your mind?”

– DJ Rippert

9 Responses to Inside Kenneth’s Head

  1. actually this may be a brilliant move! He can go on TV and book stores and colleges to sell his book and get free advertising!

    I see big dark clouds ahead for Virginia.

    A senate that goes GOP and the Cooch in the Gov mansion….

    I call it the dark dog days of doom.

    • But in the end … he still has to run for governor. How does this help him get more votes? Maybe he’s hedging his bets. If he doesn’t win the election he can become the new conservative mouthpiece on Fox News.

  2. I just received my review copy of “Last Line of Defense” today. (Ask, and ye shall receive.) I’ve had time to read only three or four pages, but Cuccinelli makes it very clear that his book his not about Virginia politics or policy but about his legal battles against the federal government. The fact that McDonnell is mentioned only once is of no significance. It is not the job of the governor to fight the state’s legal battles against the federal government — it is Cuccinelli’s job.

    • So, it’s just a coincidence that he wrote the book now – while he’s still supposedly being paid by the taxpayers to be the Attorney General and while he is running for governor? Does he hope this demonstration of extreme multi-tasking will draw people’s attention away from his record?

      Think about the political angle, Jim.

      Why now?

      Why not wait until after the election?

      Does Cuccinelli hope that his excesses as Attorney General can be swept away by a book proclaiming that he “was only doing his job”?

      Does he hope to portray himself as a populist knight in shining armor fighting to slay the federal dragon?

      Is he just a runaway egomaniac who thinks every aspect of his life needs to be immortalized in real time?

      I don’t care what he wrote in the book. I care about why he wrote the book and published it now. What are his political motivations?

      So, Jim – let’s try again. Why did he write the book now? What’s his game?

  3. By the way, Jim – did Cooch leave a few blank chapters at the end of the book? He still has almost 25% of his term as Attorney General ahead of him. Or, is he “pulling a Kaine” and forgetting about the nagging fact that he’s supposed to be the full time Attorney General for as long as he’s in office? McDonnell stepped down from his post as Attorney General after he decided to run for governor, didn’t he? Maybe Cooch ought to go back four years and listen to that voice.

  4. Interestingly, every GOP Attorney General stepped down when he was running for Governor, but Democrat Mary Sue Terry did not.

  5. I suspect the gentleman has the typical Politician Head.

    I have not read his book, however. To be fair, maybe it’s a modern day masterpiece – another Louis Nizer My Life in Court. Perhaps Jim can further enlighten us, should he read beyond the fourth page.

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